AMERICAN IDIOT

I am an out and out reality TV junkie, love it, live for it, long for it. I don't care what kind of reality show you have created, I will probably give it a go and even if it is shit, I will still sit through it. Why? I think mostly it's because I am fascinated by humanity. I could quite easily spend an entire day watching people, checking how they walk, eaves dropping on their conversations, seeing how they interact with other people. In fact, truth be known, if it was socially acceptable to stand in the street and stare in the windows of other peoples houses, I would be setting up a couch on the footpath and bringing along a selection of snacks.

Anyway before I arouse suspicions of stalking and restraining orders, lets move on. Really, for me, the joy of reality television is the village idiot. Seriously if you are stupid enough to sign a waver saying you can use my image at your discretion you are just asking for it. What kind of tool squeezer rolls along to one of those audition things anyway? You don't go unless you are seriously talented and looking for a break or seriously mental and think you can actually fucken sing. Though I have been proved wrong, try this link for further proof of that theory www.shannonnoll.com.au

Recently I witnessed the auditions for the latest season of American Idol, now truly, if there is a bigger collection of morons anywhere else in the world, I would finger fuck my own butt until my brain fell out my arse, geez graphic! Also a great idea for a reality TV show.

(AMERICAN VOICEOVER)

Tonight we begin the search that America has been waiting for, prepare yourself for America's Next Top Finger Fucker!

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING)

We've traveled the length and breadth of the great U.S. of A. to find the best of the best...

(VIDEO MONTAGE OF HUNDREDS OF AMERICA'S FINGER FUCKING ELITE - ALL BLEACHED TEETH AND BOTOXED FACES, LUBRICATED FINGERS AND HIGH SPEED INSERTIONS)

and along the way the hopeful and inexperienced

(VIDEO MONTAGE OF PATHETIC, DELUSIONAL FINGER FUCKING WANNA BE'S - ALL MISSHAPEN, UGLY TO LOOK AT, POTENTIALLY VIOLENT, BROKEN AND DIRTY FINGERNAILS POINTING AT THE SCREEN)

Strap yourself down America and get ready to choose who will get to finger fuck themselves until their brain falls out of their arse and become America's Next Top Finger Fucker!


Ok, tiny bit side tracked there. Anyway, some of the people who auditioned, weren't good at all, but actually believed the judges were stupid not to see how talented they were, really scared me. They believe in themselves and their talents so much that they are wasting their lives pursuing this dream. I am bang up for people going after their dreams but seriously, if you can't take constructive criticism and adapt or adjust your dream to suit it then what the hell are you doing going postal on camera, spitting, snarling and waving your arms around like you need to hold some kind of pump action shotgun and start taking pot shots at anyone who doesn't take your fancy. Clearly it is a dangerous business being a judge on some of these reality shows and I think I can safely make a prediction that one of them will be the victim of an attack sometime in the future. The sad thing is, more than likely, it will be Simon Cowell. Yes he is brutal, yes he doesn't pull any punches, but not once have I listened to his advice and thought he had no idea. He knows what he is talking about, he offers amazing advice and yet still these pointless fuckos get stroppy and dismiss him.

Clearly I am a man who will never have children, hubby Adam and I keep trying but it just won't stick....hmmm. However, if I was to have children and they one day came to me and said

"Mummy, I really, really wanna be a singer one day"

If they could sing like my husband then all well and good, but if they sing like me I would turn to them and say

"Listen kid, there aint much of a future in that, why don't you try being a politician, working in computers, playing the stock exchange, or showing off your extraordinary attributes in some kind of porn related enterprise, that's where the money is, now run along and stop being silly"

Unfortunately, most of the wanna be stars on these reality shows have spent their lives being told

"Honey, put the cat down, don't hurt your sister, if you be good I will buy you lots of sugar laced candies and one day you can dress like a dirty alley slut, sing songs written by strangers and complain to all and sundry that you wish you weren't so famous cos you just wanna get on with your life, all the time exploiting the media to market the cavalcade of pointless things you agree to attach your name to and promoting an image to little kids everywhere that says being a skanky whore, treating people like shit and offering nothing to society is the answer to all their dreams too"

Gee whiz, I think I will have children now....NOT.