ADD VODKA - CREATE MAYHEM

Hubby and I hoovered Vodka on the weekend, jeez, hoover aint the word, let's just say we developed flip top heads and poured the worlds entire vodka stocks down the back of our throats. Such alcohol consumption obviously has ramifications, hmmm I love that word, its like someone mummified a ram or some shit, actually its not like that at all, but with my weekend brain fog lots of things are making perfect sense to me, anyway, back to the topic at hand. So with bountiful spirits still trapped on the breath of my cake hole, allow me to unveil my list of things NOT to do when your belly is full of vodka and you unleash it on the world.

1) HIDE ALL PHONES - I can remember ringing friends of ours in London (apparently finances are never ending when your maggoted) the one thing that sticks with me is they laughed, they laughed a lot. Thankfully it was midday where they were so we weren't being that bothersome (as fucken if). Nothing is worse than being sober and having to deal with a drunk on the phone sprouting volleys of dribbly shit peppered with the words 'love' every five seconds. It's like you somehow think you are so close to paralytic that you might die at any minute so you may as well make sure your last words on this planet have you telling someone you love them. Then they can appear on the news, mourning your untimely demise and saying how nice it was that you managed to slur out the words "I love you" before you keeled over, smacked your head on the floor and gargled a mouthful of your stomach contents until your lungs couldn't keep you alive no more. Of course large portions of these conversations no longer exist in my memory so fuck knows what sort of dribbly shit I did utter. Somehow I think your body evaluates your drunkenness and decides to self edit

"Oh yeah this fucko is off his trolley, in fact it's surprising we can operate this mouth at all, systems check, brain please delete all incoming memories, set yourself on hold and please maintain all other functions, please advise immediately if bladder control weakens, over"

Course that doesn't help things, God knows what I organized thru the use of speech and SMS texting, damn me and my multi tasking, seriously, they should have breathalyser testing on mobiles so it won't operate if your too trashed.

2) STAY AWAY FROM BALCONIES - We have a balcony, on a warm night it's lovely to sit out there and watch the world go by. On a warm night when you set your head to flip top and you've clearly over indulged it is dangerous. I would like to hereby apologize to anyone who had the great misfortune of walking down our street on Saturday night. Against a soundtrack of everything from Kate Bush to Jeff Buckley and maybe even some Kylie (lets face it we don't remember what we played, it could have been a static hiss and we would have boogied to it) anyway, against all that we dished out a volley of abuse, including such catchphrases as

"Get the fuck out of our street, your ugly"

"What the fuck are you looking at fucko?"

"If you take a picture right now you will remember the time I told you to FUCK OFF"

How desperately unattractive is that? We also threw the contents of our balcony at passersby, nothing worthwhile or expensive mind you, just things like chewing gum, used cigarette butts and old wrappers.

3) ORGANISE RECOVERY DRUGS BEFORE GETTING TRASHED - There is nothing worse than waking up the day after you converted your head into a funnel for alcoholic beverages, to find you need some herbal remedies to relax your throbbing head and add to your paranoia and no one can deliver. By deliver I mean, supplies are non existant and if they do exist they are below average and not worth sharing, though in the state we were in a heady cocktail of bong water served with a slice of lemon and a friggen umbrella would have sufficed.

I am sure there are other things that need to be added to the list but because of tip number 1 they no longer feature in my collected thoughts. Anyway the end result of this weekend of debauchery is a complete lack of interest in doing it again for a very long time and a resolution that goes something like this, next time put the bottle away and make mouth love to a herbal remedy, it's probably worse for you but the hangover is a fucken treat in comparison.