I am an out and out reality TV junkie, love it, live for it, long for it. I don't care what kind of reality show you have created, I will probably give it a go and even if it is shit, I will still sit through it. Why? I think mostly it's because I am fascinated by humanity. I could quite easily spend an entire day watching people, checking how they walk, eaves dropping on their conversations, seeing how they interact with other people. In fact, truth be known, if it was socially acceptable to stand in the street and stare in the windows of other peoples houses, I would be setting up a couch on the footpath and bringing along a selection of snacks.
Anyway before I arouse suspicions of stalking and restraining orders, lets move on. Really, for me, the joy of reality television is the village idiot. Seriously if you are stupid enough to sign a waver saying you can use my image at your discretion you are just asking for it. What kind of tool squeezer rolls along to one of those audition things anyway? You don't go unless you are seriously talented and looking for a break or seriously mental and think you can actually fucken sing. Though I have been proved wrong, try this link for further proof of that theory www.shannonnoll.com.au
Recently I witnessed the auditions for the latest season of American Idol, now truly, if there is a bigger collection of morons anywhere else in the world, I would finger fuck my own butt until my brain fell out my arse, geez graphic! Also a great idea for a reality TV show.
(AMERICAN VOICEOVER)
Tonight we begin the search that America has been waiting for, prepare yourself for America's Next Top Finger Fucker!
(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING)
We've traveled the length and breadth of the great U.S. of A. to find the best of the best...
(VIDEO MONTAGE OF HUNDREDS OF AMERICA'S FINGER FUCKING ELITE - ALL BLEACHED TEETH AND BOTOXED FACES, LUBRICATED FINGERS AND HIGH SPEED INSERTIONS)
and along the way the hopeful and inexperienced
(VIDEO MONTAGE OF PATHETIC, DELUSIONAL FINGER FUCKING WANNA BE'S - ALL MISSHAPEN, UGLY TO LOOK AT, POTENTIALLY VIOLENT, BROKEN AND DIRTY FINGERNAILS POINTING AT THE SCREEN)
Strap yourself down America and get ready to choose who will get to finger fuck themselves until their brain falls out of their arse and become America's Next Top Finger Fucker!
Ok, tiny bit side tracked there. Anyway, some of the people who auditioned, weren't good at all, but actually believed the judges were stupid not to see how talented they were, really scared me. They believe in themselves and their talents so much that they are wasting their lives pursuing this dream. I am bang up for people going after their dreams but seriously, if you can't take constructive criticism and adapt or adjust your dream to suit it then what the hell are you doing going postal on camera, spitting, snarling and waving your arms around like you need to hold some kind of pump action shotgun and start taking pot shots at anyone who doesn't take your fancy. Clearly it is a dangerous business being a judge on some of these reality shows and I think I can safely make a prediction that one of them will be the victim of an attack sometime in the future. The sad thing is, more than likely, it will be Simon Cowell. Yes he is brutal, yes he doesn't pull any punches, but not once have I listened to his advice and thought he had no idea. He knows what he is talking about, he offers amazing advice and yet still these pointless fuckos get stroppy and dismiss him.
Clearly I am a man who will never have children, hubby Adam and I keep trying but it just won't stick....hmmm. However, if I was to have children and they one day came to me and said
"Mummy, I really, really wanna be a singer one day"
If they could sing like my husband then all well and good, but if they sing like me I would turn to them and say
"Listen kid, there aint much of a future in that, why don't you try being a politician, working in computers, playing the stock exchange, or showing off your extraordinary attributes in some kind of porn related enterprise, that's where the money is, now run along and stop being silly"
Unfortunately, most of the wanna be stars on these reality shows have spent their lives being told
"Honey, put the cat down, don't hurt your sister, if you be good I will buy you lots of sugar laced candies and one day you can dress like a dirty alley slut, sing songs written by strangers and complain to all and sundry that you wish you weren't so famous cos you just wanna get on with your life, all the time exploiting the media to market the cavalcade of pointless things you agree to attach your name to and promoting an image to little kids everywhere that says being a skanky whore, treating people like shit and offering nothing to society is the answer to all their dreams too"
Gee whiz, I think I will have children now....NOT.
Thursday, March 24
Tuesday, March 8
IT'S A WHORE-IBLE LIFE
Gotta love an entry that creates a new word for the ages, English teachers everywhere are scratching their computer screen, but hey what else are they gonna do? Ok before I delve into the sad and sorry life of an English teacher and bore everyone to snores, lets just get down to the topic at hand. I promised I would write about this and the time has come my friend. Let's talk about whores, junkies, street slurries, hookers, a pimps gravy train, the list goes on. I choose to talk about this little feature of daily life simply because there are heaps of them working around my place of employment. Actually, now that I think of it, they aren't really hookers, they are junkies who are desperate for their next hit and they are willing to sell the shit out of themselves just for another deal man.
"Yo fucko hit me up maaaaaannn, just one more time mother fucker"
Clearly I have no idea what they actually say as that sounds like some piss weak line from a forthcoming Keanu Reeves movie. You get the general idea. Anyway I have only been propositioned once before, very early in the morning whilst walking to work. She was a lovely creature, the sort of woman you could imagine looking after a brood of 20 kids, all of them complete nightmares slowly forging careers in all things illegal and all of them from different fathers who no longer featured in their lives. She just yelled out across the road.
"Oi love, you looking for a good time"
Being the complete fag that I am, I did a silent little fart in my pants as a precursor to the shit that was about to fill them, laughed and hurriedly crossed the road yelling back something that would register my lack of interest, but also prevent me from getting knifed to death. I really am that gay that a woman propositioning me on the street terrifies me, pathetic really. So the reason I wanna talk about these ladies of the night is that my new office fronts onto a street with large floor to ceiling windows that are mirrored on the outside but completely see through from the inside. Now when your building faces the street and your windows are mirrored, it provides all passers by the perfect opportunity to give themselves a sideways glance and see how styling they are. We have all done it, in fact along my regular walking trails I will actually prepare myself for any mirrored glass or windows en route so I can give myself a quick viewing to make sure the fly isn't down, the face is clean and nothing is hanging off the edge of my nostrils and moving to the rhythms of my breathing (have I talked about my hanging snot phobia yet?) So everyday a parade of people walk past my office and give themselves the once over and it is piss funny when it happens to be a junkie.
When a junkie decides to stop mid walk and give themselves a viewing, they don't do the casual sideways view, oh no, they stop, turn to face the window and then go about the routine of fixing themselves up. Now this could involve a variety of things, from moving the breasts into a better position, to making sure the skirt is straight , to fixing the hair. Some of them will work themselves over on the footpath for a good 10 to 15 minutes, all the time doing that stilletto wobble that most of us only see out at clubs after a really long night. They lean forwards into the glass, desperately staring at their reflection trying to work out who the hell they are looking at and if it is them trying to work out what they need to do to make the reflection they are viewing looking a little tidier. In the grand scheme of things that aint ever gonna happen but you have to admire their dedication. So to all those smacked out junkie whores who stop to re-adjust for my personal pleasure, may I salute you. While my heart breaks for everything you could have had and could have been, had you not taken the path you have taken. I am forever grateful that your routine provides me with a moment to stop, stare and wonder how many drugs I would have to take before I became entranced by my own reflection in a window and dedicated a portion of my day to sorting out my bits and pieces.
"Yo fucko hit me up maaaaaannn, just one more time mother fucker"
Clearly I have no idea what they actually say as that sounds like some piss weak line from a forthcoming Keanu Reeves movie. You get the general idea. Anyway I have only been propositioned once before, very early in the morning whilst walking to work. She was a lovely creature, the sort of woman you could imagine looking after a brood of 20 kids, all of them complete nightmares slowly forging careers in all things illegal and all of them from different fathers who no longer featured in their lives. She just yelled out across the road.
"Oi love, you looking for a good time"
Being the complete fag that I am, I did a silent little fart in my pants as a precursor to the shit that was about to fill them, laughed and hurriedly crossed the road yelling back something that would register my lack of interest, but also prevent me from getting knifed to death. I really am that gay that a woman propositioning me on the street terrifies me, pathetic really. So the reason I wanna talk about these ladies of the night is that my new office fronts onto a street with large floor to ceiling windows that are mirrored on the outside but completely see through from the inside. Now when your building faces the street and your windows are mirrored, it provides all passers by the perfect opportunity to give themselves a sideways glance and see how styling they are. We have all done it, in fact along my regular walking trails I will actually prepare myself for any mirrored glass or windows en route so I can give myself a quick viewing to make sure the fly isn't down, the face is clean and nothing is hanging off the edge of my nostrils and moving to the rhythms of my breathing (have I talked about my hanging snot phobia yet?) So everyday a parade of people walk past my office and give themselves the once over and it is piss funny when it happens to be a junkie.
When a junkie decides to stop mid walk and give themselves a viewing, they don't do the casual sideways view, oh no, they stop, turn to face the window and then go about the routine of fixing themselves up. Now this could involve a variety of things, from moving the breasts into a better position, to making sure the skirt is straight , to fixing the hair. Some of them will work themselves over on the footpath for a good 10 to 15 minutes, all the time doing that stilletto wobble that most of us only see out at clubs after a really long night. They lean forwards into the glass, desperately staring at their reflection trying to work out who the hell they are looking at and if it is them trying to work out what they need to do to make the reflection they are viewing looking a little tidier. In the grand scheme of things that aint ever gonna happen but you have to admire their dedication. So to all those smacked out junkie whores who stop to re-adjust for my personal pleasure, may I salute you. While my heart breaks for everything you could have had and could have been, had you not taken the path you have taken. I am forever grateful that your routine provides me with a moment to stop, stare and wonder how many drugs I would have to take before I became entranced by my own reflection in a window and dedicated a portion of my day to sorting out my bits and pieces.
Friday, March 4
BITS 'N' SHITS 'N' THAT
Ya huh I know it has been ages and it has mostly been a simple case of needing to go home before the sun sets. Until the home computer upgrade happens, I have to do this guff at work and now that summer is officially over, the sun seems to be quitting and baring its dark arse an hour earlier...doh. Two things will be addressed in the coming days.
1) American Idol returns to Aussie TV - The search for America's most demented continues
2) Having fun with Junkies - You won't believe what I get to see
in the meantime how about you ponder something fabulous like this
http://www.rudypospisil.com/swc/
Gotta love 'Strangers with Candy' and if you are clueless as to what I am talking about please order the DVD's from www.amazon.com I promise you will not be disappointed.
1) American Idol returns to Aussie TV - The search for America's most demented continues
2) Having fun with Junkies - You won't believe what I get to see
in the meantime how about you ponder something fabulous like this
http://www.rudypospisil.com/swc/
Gotta love 'Strangers with Candy' and if you are clueless as to what I am talking about please order the DVD's from www.amazon.com I promise you will not be disappointed.
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