Oh look I used an exclamation point, which must mean I really mean it. But seriously... ENOUGH MEAT ALREADY! I'm more than happy to admit to being a complete devotee of meat, I love the idea of a mixed grill, a snack that is savoury, a BBQ encrusted something or other. However when its the only thing you are allowed, or at the very least, recommended to consume at least every 2 to 3 hours, it suddenly becomes a chore. So why have I been reduced to a cave man's diet? Why is it that my shopping basket is layered to the brim with enough meat products to cater a rugby team BBQ? Well it's this thing called a carb detox, which basically means you deny yourself sugar and carbs for three days. It apparently forces your body to start chewing into your body fat and completely ends your lust for all things sweet. Yeah right, I want chocolate and sugar and some sort of carb. Perhaps some bread, with a heafty slab of butter, the sort that resembles a slice of cheese from a far and a pure delight up close.
Mmmm this must be something close to what it's like to be trapped on an island surrounded by wall to wall meat products. Everywhere you look there are fish and cows and chickens and little baby lambs and turkeys and anything else that looks like it might benefit from a few turns on top of an open fire. Slurp. Then again, once you've worked your way through the island, sampled all the varieties of life, you kind of lose interest. Suddenly the vegetation starts to look good, the sand starts to resemble sugar, fuck, worst case scenario, some of that animal poo is gonna start looking like the wind just blew the shiny foil wrapper from its surrounds. That is what a carb detox does to the human brain. The last time I did this, oh yeah, this isn't the first time I've ridden the all meat express, but the last time it was easier, it was new, it was different, now it just seems like a fuck load of meat. Vanity is a bitch huh?
However I'm not giving in, cos I know how well it worked last time. Eventually, once the detox was over and I stepped into the next phase which included lots of the green stuff and a handful of carbs, it was even easier. A delightful 8 kilos lighter a few months later I couldn't have given a toss about the 3 day detox, it was a distant memory. So right now I'm thumping the keyboard in a vain attempt to distract myself from the meaty exhaustion that is currently lumbering through my body. I do however find myself sucking the fuck out of an abundance of sugar free lollies. Anyone who has consumed bulk amounts of those sugar free lollies soon realises it doesn't say EXCESSIVE CONSUMPTION MAY HAVE A LAXATIVE EFFECT for nothing. So suddenly I've discovered the 2008 version of laxatives with a sickly sweet exterior. Oh yeah its heaven being the Kate Moss of the dietary sweet aisle.
Monday, July 28
Sunday, July 27
WHO'S A LUCKY FUCKO THEN?
Well in all honesty that would be me. I know, can you believe the confidence of me being all check it and actually saying, guess what, I'm a lucky fucko? Anyway this blog has been in a fucken coma of the sort normally reserved for day time soapies. You know the type, pretty, mute, maybe a touch of fluoro light glistening off the drool carefully placed on the super hero style chin. Hmmm, actually, no they wouldn't go as far as the drool on the chin cos that would ruin the perfection of the coma ridden hottie lying all innocent style in hospital robes. But I like the idea of fucking with perfection so lets put some drool on his face and maybe he can make weird arse groans every now and then too just to fuck with the viewers head. Anyway now that we've established what kind of coma this blog has been in, lets offer up some reasons and excuses.
The first reason, I'm so stupid happy this is the last place I wanna be, then there is the pathological laziness that is part of my genetic makeup and last, but by no means least, is the cheap arse office chair positioned in front of my mac that is anything but enticing. You know the kind, it looks alluring when you consider the price at the checkout but once you've spent more than 10 minutes in it, you curse your cheapness and wish you delved into those savings you don't have and bought something cushy and leather coated that might even come with built in massage qualities. Anyway I'm finally here, fighting the numbness that's already building in my left arse cheek and typing away as the 'Death Proof' soundtrack plays in the background.
So from memory the last few entries in this blog were clearly focused on me feeling sorry for myself and cursing why I wasn't good enough and seeing as so much has changed since then, I feel it's only fair I update things so everyone knows I'm no longer so dramatic. So in short the dead shit boyfriend is gone and part of history and his way better half Martin is free and we are together as one. Well as together as you can be when you are in Australia and he is in the UK, but its a temporary thing and we're both in this for the long run so there aint no point in sweating the separation when we both know it won't be forever. I've been to London to chill with the tastiest biscuit on the face of the planet and of course we talk to each other everyday in between. My next visit is locked in for three weeks in October when he hits the 30th birthday milestone and it's safe to say we are both chewing at the bit.
So that leaves us with the luckiest fucko on the planet statement from earlier and because this is my blog, I'm allowed to fill it with anything I so desire. Today I feel like celebrating the man of my dreams, Martin Clarke. He's without a doubt the most amazing man I've ever had the great fortune of falling in love with. Why he is so amazing comes down to so many things. Let's start with that thing in his beautiful head commonly referred to as a brain. It's mature beyond it's 29 plus years and never fails to impress or delight me with its contents. It can take me from feeling giddy with delight to laughing till I snort and guffaw to those moments when your eyes fill with tears from the sheer delight of feeling so deeply loved. Just knowing him would be reward enough but to be in the privileged position of having him love you back with all his heart is the most incredible thing I've EVER experienced.
I thought I'd been in love a few times before but all those other times were like dress rehearsals. It's kind of like I was backstage, rehearsing the script, making sure I knew the role, learnt my lines, all that crap. Now though, I'm centre stage, opening night was ages ago and everyday I'm front and centre enjoying the applause of a billion totally satisfied theatre goers. Then again even that doesn't come close to describing how incredible it feels to be one half of this love. If I could build a relationship in a laboratory, add all the qualities I wanted, from the way the guy looks, acts, feels, touches and talks all the way through to how he makes me feel and what it is he likes to enjoy with me there is no way I would have thought up all the things that Martin possesses and gives me everyday.
That's why I'm the luckiest fucko on the planet. I don't have any doubts and I don't have to wonder what its like to love like we all dream of loving, cos I live it everyday. It's human nature to feel guilty about that, to question it, to wonder why we got so lucky, but if you give into all of those traits you end up destroying the good thing you've got. I'd be lying if I didn't say I've gone through those things. I've given in to jealousy, to worry and questioning, more than I'm happy to admit, but I think those things are normal when you've never had something this good. You want to make sure it's as real as you think it is, you wanna make sure you aren't gonna lose it, you wanna make sure no one else is gonna take it away from you. I'm now at the point where I know it's real, I'm lucky, I deserve this, I love this and I'm gonna put everything I've got into it cos that is exactly what I'm getting back in return.
I want everyone to feel what I'm feeling, I want everyone to get this kind of love. There have been far too many times when I've given the love and got nothing back. It's like my co star wasn't on the same page of the script, they hadn't learnt their lines, they were there for the pay packet and the stardom. I was just there to make them look good and I could be written out and replaced at a whim. It was a Home and Away romance. Now I'm not acting at all, its from the heart, with all of my soul and my co star is totally on the same page. It's a fluid, organic, beautiful piece of poetry that gives me more rewards than I could have ever hoped for. I really am the luckiest fucko on the planet.
The first reason, I'm so stupid happy this is the last place I wanna be, then there is the pathological laziness that is part of my genetic makeup and last, but by no means least, is the cheap arse office chair positioned in front of my mac that is anything but enticing. You know the kind, it looks alluring when you consider the price at the checkout but once you've spent more than 10 minutes in it, you curse your cheapness and wish you delved into those savings you don't have and bought something cushy and leather coated that might even come with built in massage qualities. Anyway I'm finally here, fighting the numbness that's already building in my left arse cheek and typing away as the 'Death Proof' soundtrack plays in the background.
So from memory the last few entries in this blog were clearly focused on me feeling sorry for myself and cursing why I wasn't good enough and seeing as so much has changed since then, I feel it's only fair I update things so everyone knows I'm no longer so dramatic. So in short the dead shit boyfriend is gone and part of history and his way better half Martin is free and we are together as one. Well as together as you can be when you are in Australia and he is in the UK, but its a temporary thing and we're both in this for the long run so there aint no point in sweating the separation when we both know it won't be forever. I've been to London to chill with the tastiest biscuit on the face of the planet and of course we talk to each other everyday in between. My next visit is locked in for three weeks in October when he hits the 30th birthday milestone and it's safe to say we are both chewing at the bit.
So that leaves us with the luckiest fucko on the planet statement from earlier and because this is my blog, I'm allowed to fill it with anything I so desire. Today I feel like celebrating the man of my dreams, Martin Clarke. He's without a doubt the most amazing man I've ever had the great fortune of falling in love with. Why he is so amazing comes down to so many things. Let's start with that thing in his beautiful head commonly referred to as a brain. It's mature beyond it's 29 plus years and never fails to impress or delight me with its contents. It can take me from feeling giddy with delight to laughing till I snort and guffaw to those moments when your eyes fill with tears from the sheer delight of feeling so deeply loved. Just knowing him would be reward enough but to be in the privileged position of having him love you back with all his heart is the most incredible thing I've EVER experienced.
I thought I'd been in love a few times before but all those other times were like dress rehearsals. It's kind of like I was backstage, rehearsing the script, making sure I knew the role, learnt my lines, all that crap. Now though, I'm centre stage, opening night was ages ago and everyday I'm front and centre enjoying the applause of a billion totally satisfied theatre goers. Then again even that doesn't come close to describing how incredible it feels to be one half of this love. If I could build a relationship in a laboratory, add all the qualities I wanted, from the way the guy looks, acts, feels, touches and talks all the way through to how he makes me feel and what it is he likes to enjoy with me there is no way I would have thought up all the things that Martin possesses and gives me everyday.
That's why I'm the luckiest fucko on the planet. I don't have any doubts and I don't have to wonder what its like to love like we all dream of loving, cos I live it everyday. It's human nature to feel guilty about that, to question it, to wonder why we got so lucky, but if you give into all of those traits you end up destroying the good thing you've got. I'd be lying if I didn't say I've gone through those things. I've given in to jealousy, to worry and questioning, more than I'm happy to admit, but I think those things are normal when you've never had something this good. You want to make sure it's as real as you think it is, you wanna make sure you aren't gonna lose it, you wanna make sure no one else is gonna take it away from you. I'm now at the point where I know it's real, I'm lucky, I deserve this, I love this and I'm gonna put everything I've got into it cos that is exactly what I'm getting back in return.
I want everyone to feel what I'm feeling, I want everyone to get this kind of love. There have been far too many times when I've given the love and got nothing back. It's like my co star wasn't on the same page of the script, they hadn't learnt their lines, they were there for the pay packet and the stardom. I was just there to make them look good and I could be written out and replaced at a whim. It was a Home and Away romance. Now I'm not acting at all, its from the heart, with all of my soul and my co star is totally on the same page. It's a fluid, organic, beautiful piece of poetry that gives me more rewards than I could have ever hoped for. I really am the luckiest fucko on the planet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
